The projector screen went black. We all breathed a sigh of relief that it was finally over. Joseph turned to me and asked, “Are you all right?”
I nodded. But I didn’t say anything because at that moment Phineas was addressing all of us.
“You saw the images, you heard the screams. I do not intend to lie to you, like some would. I refuse to cover up the truth, or to hide the worst from you. Did you see the children starving to death? Did you see the slaves being whipped and beaten? Did you see the women being raped? Did you see the brothers killing each other? Did you see the cruelty, the betrayal? I love you, and I want to protect you. I cannot stand by idly and let you go into that without trying my very utmost to save you from it. That, my friends, my brothers, my sisters, is what you are walking into.”
Then Phineas walked off the stage and left us alone. I turned to Joseph.
“Is that all true, what he said? Would those things really happen?” I asked anxiously. He looked somber and pondered a minute.
“I think it probably is true,” he said at last.
I heaved another great sigh and tried my hardest to block out the gruesome images that kept flashing before me even though the movie had ended. Those images stayed with me and stayed with me, and I could not rid myself of them. The most disturbing part of it all was that I knew those people. Every one of them. Every last one.
***
Joseph and I cried together on a grassy hill. We just held each other and cried. There was nothing else to do. We knew we, along with every other person, would have to make our decision. And we would have to make it soon because time was running out.
I knew that Joseph was strong, and that he would be brave. But what about me?
The image of the child Leah, sobbing weakly, lying in the mud with her skin hanging from her bones, the flies buzzing around her—it haunted me.
But even more than sadness because of the suffering, another feeling overwhelmed me. I was ashamed that it should be so, but it was.
Fear.
Fear.
Fear.
How could I do it? I knew which side I wanted to be on, but I was so frightened.
It was all uncertain, and yet all clear at the same time. And I had the power to choose it or not to choose it. The choice and the responsibility were my own.
***
The day had come. Joseph took me by both hands and stared into my eyes.
“Are you ready?” he asked me.
The fear surged over me, more powerful than it had ever been. It enveloped me, thrashed around inside me.
So many unknowns. So many risks. So many so many so many.
But I had already made the decision in my heart. I had made it long ago, and although I was afraid-- I would do it.
I would do it!
Joseph took me by the hand and we went to join the ranks.
***
When the first battle was over, it was over. There had never been any question about who would win and who would lose it. We had all known that Phineas would lose. It wasn’t because he was outnumbered, although he was. It was because he was Wrong.
***
I was afraid, but joyful too. Two opposing emotions that were not so different, after all.
I waved goodbye to Joseph and stepped off the edge.
Awesome.
ReplyDeleteI love it. I think it is very well written and very engaging.
I see a lot of similarities to what we are taught about the preexistence. But also about the possibility that each of us may have felt different about it. Some somber, some afraid, some maybe excited. All of us probably a combination of all three. Yet we each had a conviction of some sort that it was Right and that Wrong would fail. This despite the fear.
I don't know if you were going for the preexistence parallel, but I really like your story a lot.
The ending is also something else I don't think I quite figured out. I started thinking, what if you are the girl and Joseph is me, and then the last part is you dying before me. Stepping off the edge of life? If that's true I don't like it. ;) (That part anyway)
I agree with Josh that the story seems to be set in the pre-existence. You have brought out some interesting issues. Here are a few things I am thinking about in response:
ReplyDeleteThis is a story of courage, which might be defined as doing the right thing, in the face of fear. So while the character was ashamed for having fear, the fear makes the act of courage stand out all the more, and the character someone we would admire.
Talking about fear, itself, it is interesting that Phineas, a Satan figure, seeks to manipulate people by playing on their fears. And he emphasizes those aspects and does not mention others, in true propagandistic form. Presumably, a more balanced picture had been presented at some previous time (your character had made a decision "long ago").
The story is exploring the issue of why God allows evil in the world, if He is both able to prevent it, and cares about us, etc. In reality, the Spirit of Christ is everywhere in this world, and there is joy and growth along with darkness and evil, and those who can see, realize the Lord is not far away, but that things have a purpose in this world of opposites--and in a world of true agency with real consequences, truly bad things happen.
People being truly free to act is one of the fundamental things that cannot be denied for existence to be meaningful or even real.
D&C 93:29-30 "Man was also in the beginning with God. Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither indeed can be. All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence."
In a less doctrinal vein, you talk about fear (we were discussing this the other day--some people seem to have a lot more of it than others). And you state that joy and fear are not so different, after all. Do you mean in the sense that the can be powerful and overwhelming? I would be interested to hear you talk more about the comparison and/or relation. Perhaps more courageous people experience more joy (in context of the discussion above of courage--though probably all the different options of feeling in this world make things too complex to figure out that easily).
"Joseph took me by the hand . . " This relationship is unclear, though it could be romantic in nature. There does seem to be love between the characters, of whatever nature. I was thinking of the idea that love casts out fear.
I am enjoying this story and thinking about it. I am interested in how others react. Nice writing, too--it carried itself well through the situations as well as the implied issues.
What a marvelous story and so well written. I felt like I was there. (I probably was)
ReplyDeleteI like how this addresses one of the biggest reasons people use to decide they don't beleieve in God: ie, "If there were a God how could he let such bad things happen." This is a message that people need to hear.
ReplyDeleteI like how it wasn't cliche at all. Lots of LDS people have tried to portray the pre-existence and often it comes off sounding a little hokey... not htis story. It was real, and gripping. I liked it a lot. I like how the perception of birth is, in a sense, stepping off an edge into the unknown. It makes me think of when I go rapelling with my dad, I'm terrified of heights and each time it's a struggle to make myself trust the rope, especially right over that first edge. And in a sense maybe that's what we experienced, letting go of the security and knowledge we had in the preexistence, to come here and trust in the plan of salvation. :)
Very cool story, MK. Very well written and thought-provoking. What a gifted family of writers the Blackham's are!
ReplyDeleteAt the end, I was wondering which side the character chose (I know it's pretty self-explanatory that they chose good), but you sort of left it open. What ranks had she chosen? I went back and read the story from the viewpoint of the main character choosing to follow Phineas, and the possible fear that THAT might bring to an individual. Is it possible that those who chose to follow him were "feared" into it? Did they know that he was wrong? But they followed him anyway? Because the hardships looked too hard? Too much of an effort? So maybe they just gave up and "stepped off the edge." I know that's not what you're getting at, but I like how it can be interpreted either way.
The pre-mortal life is such an interesting doctrine. Some Area Authority (don't remember his name) spoke to us while I was serving in Kingston, Ontario about the pre-earth life, and how it's possible that we all sat in those "lessons" together (these lessons could've been movies like you described, played on the same screen that our "life recaps" will be played on after we die, you know, where everyone will watch everyone elses' life story and see what they did wrong and eat popcorn. Just kidding - Cam and I just think it's funny when people describe the judgement like that). Anyway, he taught that all of these spirits were there together, learning, possibly some of the 1/3 were there beside us. We may have known them, they may have been our friends. And we may have tried to convince them to follow the Savior's plan. This Area Authority then taught that because the spirits that followed Satan may have known us and talked with us in the pre-earth life, they know how to tempt us all the better here on Earth. Interesting concept...
However, there are a lot of "possiblys" and "that MAY have happened" in there. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it really worked out when we're all chowin' down on some butter-covered popcorn...
Thank you all for your comments!
ReplyDeleteDad-- I think that joy and fear can't exist without each other. When we agreed to come to this earth, I imagine we felt fear, but we had to know what that emotion felt like to ever feel real joy. So many of the beautiful, joyous moments in my life had the prelude of fear, and that fear has been turned to joy because I was able to accomplish something in the face of it. Maybe it could be like the relationship between love and hate-- I recently read The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne and he says that love and hate are so alike (they both involve being obsessed with something/someone, and cannot tolerate being far away from that person/object)although they seem so different. I don't know, I guess I can't really explain what I meant any better than what my story itself is supposed to represent...
Mother-- Thanks. :)
Nosurf-- I was actually wondering why there isn't more fiction (I guess it would have to be LDS since we're the only ones who really know about it) about the premortal existence. It seems like there is so much room for ideas and situations that could be really cool to explore. I know there's Saturday's Warrior and My Turn on Earth, but I couldn't think of any others.
Ryan-- Hey that's cool. I guess it really could work the other way-- that the person actually chose the wrong way. I wonder what it was like for those people, and what their motivations were...
And let's hope there's popcorn in heaven.
I've always wondered why anyone would choose to be with Satan and not have a body on Earth, as well as follow Jesus Christ who is the author of all joy and light. The only reason we know what we do is because he suffered so we could gain light. But if you think about it, faith and fear cannot exist with each other and that must be what happened to the 1/3 that followed Satan. I think we all had the knowledge to know what we were choosing, but fear of the unknown is really powerful, and maybe Satan told us that with him we would always know what was coming if we stayed with him- we can always trust that with Satan we will be miserable. You're story was excellent and I loved all the ideas and comments.
ReplyDeleteMerrilykaroly, there are some LDS fictional works relating to this setting. Offhand I can think of 1) Added Upon by Nephi Anderson (1898), kind of a classic, 2) Tathea (1999) by Anne Perry, a nationally known mystery writer, and 3) and Paracletes (Published in Times and Seasons in Nauvoo, Ill., 1845 in two installments) by "Joseph's Speckled Bird," a penname [it is speculated by some that it was written by W.W.Phelps].
ReplyDeleteSo as I read this I wasn't quite sure what it was talking about. And I was thinking... perhaps it is about a family in Africa... Or high school kids? Or something? And I was really confused. Especially when she walked off the edge! I was like NO!!! You don't have to die to avoid those things! You can live and be free of them too!
ReplyDeleteSo in the short amount of time between this beautiful story and talking to my big brother, Josh, about it. Nothing was coming to me. And then Josh being the amazing brother that he is (Also probably have already gotten some inspiration from his Lovely wife) told me to "think about the preexistence when you read it" And then I started and by the second paragraph the words "Ah HA!!" Flashed through my mind and I figured it out! :)
Very well written. Good job. You have some sweet skills. And to think that you are the one with the skills... I thought girls liked guys with skills, nunchuck skills... not had the skills ;) j/k
It is a Great story :)
Very engaging. I liked it. :)
ReplyDeleteIf you are interested in reading "Added Upon" that your Dad mentioned Mom Karoly has it. I've read it and really enjoyed it. It is an older book and falling apart just a bit, but readable. :)